Disaster Ears

I took a Crisis Counseling course in graduate school, and one of the most interesting things I learned was that people in crisis require a more directive approach, meaning when we are in survival mode, we need to be told what to do; our “survival brain” is not as capable of critical or creative thinking, so we rely on others’ ability to do this in dire circumstances. In such times, we are looking for someone to listen to. We have disaster ears, straining for something to grasp onto in our time of crisis.

When we are shaken to the core, when we face the important intersections of our lives, how we respond in large part determines our path for the future, and the ramifications of our choices can ripple into eternity. In such times, there is great opportunity for good (Romans 5:3-4). The concern is that when the ground beneath us quakes, we can have a problematic tendency to avoid further discomfort and to seek the nearest counterfeit refuge, even if its foundation is built on sand.

But let me be clear: God is our refuge.

Here is the most important wisdom I can offer on this topic: when you are reeling, you must choose who you listen to. Choose to listen to God, and choose to listen to those who listen to God.

How do you listen to God? Volumes have been written on this topic, but essentially it comes down to three things: 1) Read the Bible, 2) Pray, and 3) Be influenced by other followers of Jesus: 

1. While the Bible provides leeway in many areas, it also provides clarity in many. It is not, as so many misconceive, an ambiguous mess allowing the reader to walk away believing whatever they want. Such a reader has seen the words but has not understood. At the risk of stating the obvious, the Bible is the Word of God. Want to know God’s direction for your life? Study carefully and seek to understand what he has already said about it.

2. When uncertainty remains, we have prayer. Hearing God’s response to our pleas for direction sounds altogether different from hearing the voice of our flesh. It is completely loving but uncompromisingly true. Sometimes, it can call us into all manner of holy difficulty: to forgive, to hope, to love, to endure, to trust in the Lord, to lean not on our own understanding or the foolish advice of the world. As we listen and seek, learning what the Lord’s voice sounds like, we often find clarity about the particulars of our situation. One important note here: if in your prayers you hear an answer that conflicts with the Bible’s clear direction, what you heard was not God’s voice.

3. Finally, we are also instructed to surround ourselves with other followers of Jesus. God’s design is for us to exist in a faith community and to build one another up in the faith, growing together and pointing one another back to Truth. One of the great perversions of our age is the myth that a believer can follow God but opt out of Christian community. There’s an important caveat here as well: just because someone professes faith does not mean they are wise. You must be discerning. Consider the fruit of this person’s life to determine whether they should have a leadership influence in your life (Matthew 7:15-20, Galatians 5:23-23, 1 Timothy 3:1-13). Consider the source of their “wisdom.” As the Bible says in Proverbs 13:20, those who walk “with the wise become wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Walk with and be influenced by wise fellow believers, but remember also there are plenty of fools in the church.

   
   

   We must remember too that there are times that even men of conviction lose faith. Consider Peter’s denial of Jesus after years of witnessing his miracles. This can happen when well-meaning believers are blinded by their own crises or when they share in your suffering to such an extent that they lose objectivity. Such examples are not necessarily an indictment of character (Peter was soon redeemed from this blunder and then led a life of unshakable faith and stalwart leadership until his death), but they do inspire caution for one who would seek advice from a pre-crucifixion Peter.

This three-pronged approach to discerning truth and direction for your life is a holy, comprehensive solution. As we employ these, we do so with reliance on the Holy Spirit — our advocate and guide — and we do so with patient perseverance. I contend that if you have exhausted these options and still don’t feel a sense of clarity, it is only a matter of time, and God is likely gifting you with a difficult but worthwhile blessing in the waiting.

How do we know when we are listening to the wrong people?

Consider these two examples the Bible provides:

1. In Job 2:9-10, Job’s wife tells her suffering husband to sacrifice his integrity by cursing God and dying. Job replies by calling her foolish and poignantly responds, “Are we to accept what is good from God but not tragedy?” The author then adds to emphasize who is right in this conversation, “Job did not sin by what he said.”

2. As Jesus’s disciples finally come to understand and admit beyond any doubt that he is the Messiah, Jesus begins to prepare them for his crucifixion (Matthew 16:15-27). Overflowing with general passion and specific love for Jesus — in addition to a well-intended desire to protect his Lord — Peter protests: “This shall never happen to you!” For me, Jesus’s response is the most unexpectedly harsh example I see in scripture, which I think emphasizes the importance of the issue: “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

In both examples, we see people very close to the person suffering who would offer counterfeit refuge by pursuing comfort rather than listening to God’s voice. Both examples include a harsh but holy response. I think this harshness is not necessarily because we are meant to respond harshly; I think it is written this way at least partly so we readers understand the importance of the issue and don’t miss the lesson we are meant to receive. It also underscores the fact that harsh situations can produce growth and sanctification.

When you face crisis, you will receive conflicting messages about how to respond. Your disaster ears will be particularly susceptible to these messages as you are suffering. Some well-intended loved ones will attempt to offer seductive comfort that is opposed to God’s will for your life, and this paves the way to catastrophe. Instead, it is imperative you listen to God’s voice and to those who follow his truth as their ultimate source.

Consider, for example, a marriage in crisis. Or a child struggling with their sexuality. Or a conflict destroying a family. In all of these, the world provides a counterfeit refuge, prescribing comfort in the form of selfishness, embracing of sin, division, or other things God hates. All of these counterfeits have a loving veneer, but what seemed to be love soon peels off, exposing rot that can cause the entire structure to fail.

Our lives must be built upon the rock (Matthew 7:24-27). Keep in mind the things of God, and listen to others who do. When you face the crossroads of comfort versus conviction, choose Truth. Through the power of God within you, you can weather the storm. God is sufficient to comfort, protect, and provide for those who are faithful to him and his Word. But when we choose the seductive, unholy path, God loves us enough to let us experience the painful consequences of this sin in hopes we prodigals will eventually come to our senses and return home. Ironically, a fear of discomfort or a feeling of entitlement in the short-term can lead us down a far more painful path in the long-term. And sometimes, God allows us to experience the storm so we learn we have nothing to fear; in such cases, running from it robs us of this gift.

The Bible reminds us about the battle we face in this life. We are not called to comfort. This broken world is marked by suffering. We can fear it, live in denial, or embrace self-indulgence, and if we do, we fall as casualties on the battlefield. Or we can be warriors, empowered by the Holy Spirit, equipped with the armor of God, peacefully enjoying God’s feast in a dark valley while surrounded by enemies (Psalm 23). We can relish God’s power and the strength he has given us to persevere and to triumph in the face of great adversity.

The Bible is clear who wins in the end. Choose to be on the winning side. Listen to God. Him whose voice can quiet the storm can also be trusted to see you through it (Mark 4:36-40).

How do I get rid of these negative thoughts?

It’s one of the most common questions I hear in counseling. A thought takes root in my mind; no matter what I do, it seems to keep growing, and I keep returning to it. How do I make it stop?

First, let me give you the deeply unsatisfying disclaimer: there is no one-size-fits-all solution, no magic pill. The best solution is often working with a trained professional who can respond in real-time to all your nuances and help you navigate through your version of this issue. That being said, I’d like to share some of the concepts that my clients have found most helpful.

The conversation starts with a need to address the self-pathologizing. We have a tragic tendency to feel broken as we are struggling with this issue. Some clients even ask for a diagnosis. The problem is a diagnosis can increase negative feelings we have about the issue, ratcheting up its perceived severity and permanence. But here’s the truth: struggling with negative thoughts is part of the human condition. We all sometimes get caught in these thought patterns. We all sometimes have trouble letting things go. Fortunately, like a pupil who stares for hours at a math problem without being able to solve it, learning the right skill can make easy work of what before seemed impossible.

Thought patterns reinforce around strong emotions. The irony of this phenomenon is that the more we detest a thought, the more persistent it will be. The more frustrated we are with our stuckness, the more difficult it can be to learn and think creatively in a way that gets us unstuck. Our tendency to judge our own thinking makes the problem worse. But here’s another critical piece that I heard at a spiritual warfare conference by Marcus Warner: “Not every thought that comes into your head is your own.” When we embrace that reality, we can be much more compassionate toward the thoughts we experience.

A popular analogy in counseling is one of a stream in autumn. You sit peacefully on the bank as cascading leaves flutter gently onto the water’s surface upstream. Red, orange, brown, and gold, each of these leaves represents a thought. As they float by in front of you, you can notice each one as they come and go. You can pick a leaf up and examine it, familiarizing yourself with all of its intricacies. You can memorize it. You can even take it home. Or you can set it back down and pick up another.

One of the other secrets about rumination is that it can be very difficult to “set down” a thought. The good news is it is very easy to “pick up” a new one, and in doing so our consciousness shifts from what we were thinking of before. So more than trying to “get rid of” a negative thought, it’s an intentional process of setting our minds on the things we want to be thinking about. 

The Bible offers helpful guidance here, encouraging us to take thoughts captive, renew our minds, and “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬). Paul, who had learned the secret of being content in all circumstances, also wrote, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Neuroscience now corroborates Paul’s advice, touting the benefits of gratitude, faith, and joy.

Gratitude

There are tons of great resources online about gratitude journaling, so I won’t repeat that here. However, I want to clarify that Paul is saying to give thanks in all circumstances, not for all circumstances. That point of confusion can cause gratitude to feel disingenuous, but again, this is about choosing to focus on the good rather than discounting the difficult and painful. Science shows us that gratitude is one of the healthiest emotions. Fortunately, simple, routine discipline of gratitude can drastically increase our capacity for it, as well as our overall wellbeing.

Faith

Faith is an integral part of this as well. When we have real faith, and when we focus on its cosmic implications, the grandeur and specificity of God’s love for us, it can put into perspective even the most difficult pain in our lives. However, God wants to do more than overshadow our pain: he emphasizes his compassion for it and his desire to be with us in it. He is Emmanuel, God with us. He is the Comforter. He sees every tear that falls, and our pain grieves his heart. He is preparing a place for us where there is no more pain, and he paid the ultimate price to allow us to join him there. Sometimes the enduring pain in our lives is a divine invitation into deeper, closer relationship to the ultimate Source of all goodness, comfort, and love. God wants us to cast our cares upon him, to come into a greater appreciation of and reliance upon his sovereignty and his compassion for us.

Joy

There’s a lot that can be said about joy, but for purposes of this post, I’d like to focus on two parts: the appropriateness of it and the behavioral aspect of making it happen. First, when we are in pain, especially grief, we often subscribe to a myth that it’s not appropriate for us to feel joy. We feel like it would be somehow dishonoring the object of our grief, or that it would discount our pain. To test this, I encourage switching roles. When you die, do you want your loved ones to languish in pain forever? Of course not. You hope there is an appropriate grief that validates the importance of their role in your life, but you also want them to experience joy after your passing. If you were up in Heaven watching your loved ones grieve, my guess is you would even want them to experience as much joy as possible even throughout their grieving process because of your love for them. The good news is joy is something that can be planned and scheduled; there is a behavioral element where your behavior influences your emotional state. You can schedule activities you know give you joy. You can plan get-togethers with people who make you laugh, encourage you, fill your cup. And your joy in hardship can be a powerful testimony, both to your own heart and to others.

Idleness vs Purposeful Work

The Bible warns against idleness, and I think this is partly because a mind not working toward good becomes undisciplined and unfocused; it will apply its great powers to destructive means. However, the more we are engaged with purposeful work, the less our minds have time and space to wander into undesirable places. Consider how full your schedule is, and consider whether your mind has enough exciting, purposeful work. In a culture of overwork and unbridled busyness, we can be repulsed by the suggestion to add more, but what I am suggesting might actually mean getting rid of some purposeless activity to pursue that which feeds your soul.

Other Strategies Against Rumination

I’d like to conclude with a few other specific strategies that can help defeat rumination:

• Set a “worry time,” a designated time each day or each week when they are going to be sad, worried, etc. Outside of that time, when those thoughts come to mind, adopt a gentle self-response: “Let’s save that for worry time.” Knowing you have a designated time for those thoughts can allow you to set them aside for now. Then when the worry time comes, you can fully give in without remorse. However, if you get to your scheduled worry time and you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Critically, though, you don’t get rollover minutes with worry time. If the worries come back an hour later, that’s okay, but you want to save them for the next scheduled worry time.

• Some people also find journaling to be incredibly helpful. Something about putting the thoughts down on the page can free them from the mind. Pro tip: especially when one of your objectives is the unburdening of your mind, be sure to close your journal and put it away when you’re finished, a symbolic reinforcement of the closure and healthy compartmentalization you seek.

• Don’t underestimate the power of action. This can help people get out of a victim mindset. What can you control, and what would you like to do about it? Is there a conversation that needs to be had, or something that needs to be done? What seems like rumination could actually be God convicting us of steps we need to take.

• Similar to journaling, writing letters can help process and clarify our feelings toward people, especially if we’re feeling unheard, unappreciated, or unloved in that relationship. Those letters often go unsent for practical reasons, but they can help us deal with difficult emotions. Sometimes we pray them instead of sending them so we can be heard and comforted by God, knowing the ideal recipient may not be capable of a healing response. Sometimes the letters are also burned afterward, which can provide a healthy release.

May the God of hope work in your heart and mind to deepen your understanding of how much he loves you. May you experience his delight. May your image-bearing compassion increase, both toward others and toward yourself. May the Lord increase your gratitude, faith, and joy, leading you into purposeful work that yields a peaceful sense of fulfillment, as a laborer reclines under the shade of a tree after a long day. May your mind dwell on things above, savoring what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.

Brushing Too Hard: Taking Self-Care Too Far

“Seriously?” I asked the dentist.

He nodded with an apologetic smile.

“I really wish someone had told me earlier,” I said more to myself than to him. After my appointment, I made an extra stop at the store to purchase toothpaste for sensitive teeth and a special electric toothbrush that would help prevent the problem from getting worse.

I felt angry and betrayed. I was in my mid-twenties, and I had just learned I had been brushing too hard, causing irreversible damage, which had led to receding gums and high sensitivity to acidic and sugary foods (some of my favorites).

Growing up, I had visited the dentist regularly, and while I wasn’t always the model patient, I generally did well. In fact, I reasoned, when cleaning something, sometimes a little extra elbow grease makes it even cleaner, so I had always brushed with vigor. Despite what must have been an apparent decline over decades, my dentists never said anything about brushing too hard until it was too late. And so, by trying too hard to follow the experts’ advice, I had caused a problem I didn’t even realize was possible.

I think there are some similarities between this situation and self-care. Is brushing teeth a good thing? Undoubtedly. So it is with self-care. And yet, both can be done “too hard.” Some people take self-care to a place of self-indulgence, a place that becomes selfish. Both the Bible and neuroscience tout the benefits of generosity and serving others, and both warn against a life that is too self-focused.

This can sometimes be difficult to remember. When a client is telling me about the ways others hurt them or make things difficult, sometimes the best path is for the client to become more of a helper in their own life. However, it often feels a lot better in the moment just to get validation, to have someone else say, “keep up the good work,” like my dentists said to me.

But focusing too much on caring for ourselves at the expense of caring for others can cause serious damage, and it can cause us to develop a problematic oversensitivity or fragility. Serving others, on the other hand, has a way of increasing our gratitude (one of the healthiest states of mind) while bringing our problems into proper perspective.

My advice? Brush your teeth, but not too hard.